THE UN-NAMED SILENCE

Far into my memories and deep into my secrets whenever someone dug, surprisingly the answer to their every question was just one word .A word that belongs to a time when I had lesser memories to remember and just few secrets to hide ,or more precisely when I needed no words to express emotions of any kind and yet an accurate guess was made about my silence .I do not remember the factual detail of where ,when ,how and why and yet I remember the silence that spoke and the words that weren’t uttered, those incomplete words that weren’t short to express what we wanted to spell. In one word he spoke what he wished to and I heard exactly what he wanted me to hear and yet the silence didn’t break .living as near as possible we were yet to cross the distances that divided us and designated us with titles ‘destination’ and ‘dream’ to each other .I don’t remember clearly and yet I try to do so everyday so I can find a reason to look back at words that were meant for me yet couldn’t be approached the extended dots at the end of sentences that complimented. The journey that started from “I have nothing to say” to “I know you understand”. The journey of silence that was symbol to null, to the evolution of too many words to express silence. The strangest thing about this strange journey is that it began with a word.

People of the world around have spoke so much to me in years ,yet failed to express the beauty that was once felt in silence .years enough to forget details have passed and details that are more important have been accumulating and yet those words that incompletely expressed everything that needs to be expressed whisper in my dreams making me hate reality even todate. Reality is boring to speak of ,I prefer talking about my dream because if someone in time realizes it’s all true ,I can deny with silence. Every time I enter my home ,tired of being good at what I do and close my eyes ,I see a face that smiles at me . Making me travel through the time back then a voice whispers to my heart to stop beating for a while and then I loose myself to silence and sleep off all my worries. And then my closed eyes start to see the blur black and white ,a face smiles at me ,holds my hand and leads my way out to where the spectrum of colors don’t end ,to where the skies hum the beat of my heart .I find myself sitting on a blue bench at the end of a classroom that somehow resembles the one that was once my own, on the bench is carved a name imperfectly written probably by something sharp ,the letters weave a name that once was a synonym of me myself. Involuntarily my fingers rub off the dust on it and my lips curl in smile that seems no familiar anymore and yet feels good. In the benches before me were all those faces that I wish to see another time before my time ends on this planet . laughing , giggling ,whispering ,gossiping ,fighting and living they all just feel so alive and my vision seems to be blessed to see living people again. Very close to my heart beats another heart which beats in a tune that once I composed for my heart to hum. with two ponies in a frock of dark blue underneath which was stripe shirt of blue lines on white ,scribbling a few lines of beautiful letters that express untold secrets in comparison to useless things, she sat exactly where I was sitting ,perhaps to provide a body to my non existing presence she was created by my brain, but something made me feel like maybe she was just me as someone I forgot to be. It took me a while after seeing her scared to write a name on the paper before ,that she was me from back then when I feared to live and was scared to die as well.I nervously walked out of the class progressing towards the ground that extended wide arms to once who had the guts to bleed before crying and claiming dreams I walked in a doubt of being accepted. It took me just fifteen minutes and one wound to return back to rest. Beside the shoes left behind by people who thought they were unfit to be on ground ,I  sat in silence unified by uselessness with the shoes. Humming to myself in a voice that only I was aware off by then I sat there sketching a picture I wished I was a part of too. Before I could realize I sensed a presence of someone beside other than those shoes and stinking socks ,someone who was interested enough to extend a hand to say “hi”. I raised my eyes to see the guy in wrong uniform .He was smiling at me like smiling is all he knows to do. Nervously saying hi ,I moved a little ,he must have mistaken that for making place for him ,so he sat down close, and said “scared? I know you must be ,it’s normal to be so, don’t worry you will be fine just remember in this place there is only one rule ,imperfection”. He waved a bye ,got up and ran fast towards the class room ,on the way he fell down but to my surprise he laughed louder than the one who teased him for falling, and then I smiled too. The calendar changed ,flipping not just pages but years, people around me walked in fast forward, by body did the same yet not my soul .and then again it all stopped at a day, when the walls were decorated with different colors then the once I witnessed before . I was in a big hall filled with both happiness and sadness too , not a place in the school yet had the same people with the same atmosphere, It was the farewell to both school and its people. I was standing there wearing a green dress that looked just fine and simple on me ,but that was not the change ,the change was a presence of smile on my lips that I learnt through years . we sung together, danced too, wrote slams and discussed tales of being together . promised to be back and promises of missing each other were made .and then someone said in a low voice “no matter what these two will be together” those words were meant for me and him. And like usual our reaction was indifference. At the end we didn’t even say “bye” so someone around asked me a stupid question “won’t you say good bye?” and me smile was the answer .i guess people around never understood that for each other we are always around ,there is no place to words because we don’t need them, silence is enough. What the world needs to talk we understand without words. But just to clarify don’t misunderstand we are not what you might guess. We are what you should live to understand ,and love to respect. We are” just friends” where the silence after friends  means more than the word itself, because what the words forget to express is spelt in silence.

This dream I often live on a daily bases brakes when the need of reality arises. The reality that the bond still exists  without a name ,or  maybe its more appropriate to say the bond still exists without a need to be named. The nameless bond makes me happy sometimes for doing something which is beyond definitions but sometimes makes me tired too because with a name it could have been easy to answer some questions and to explain some answers.

Years apart from the day when we said no “good bye” we even stand today invisibly together ,and the best part is we don’t have a need to nor do we have a reason to, but we stand together because we choose to. To live a bond that has no name is hard and tiring and yet again to live a bond that needs no name is inspiring and hence we don’t talk much even today and but can still comprehend and decode a “hi” of each other’s tone to the silence that  hasn’t been spoken.

The few words that make “friends” short and the silence bigger are counted on fingers and hence the world points a finger at us. But guess what we never cared to explain our silence into words. Even today there is no name to “us” nor is there a word that we need to speak to explain anything between us, because un-named is not because of shame its because its sacred. But my only regret is that this silence I am in love with is not really existing anymore. Because today we are getting busy in words and forgot the language of silence.because today we are busy classifying the hiarchy of relationships and the un-named have no place in this.So to save this beauty of silence I wanna say some words “if there is nothing to talk in words ,send me a message in silence , trust me I can still read the incomplete sentences and understand the extended dots.”

Amulya……

NOTE:THIS STORY AND WRITE-UP IS DEDICATED TO MY SCHOOL AND MY FRIENDS AT SCHOOL....WHO BEYOND WORDS UNDERSTAND ME.