Strangely Beautiful

The most boring hour, the most boring lecture, the most irritating people and the most “pakavu” teacher can sound fantastic and prove to be amazing if there is one person like him around. Dated back to those days when our classes were divided into smaller fragment for some reason that sounds lame, I remember the most funny and amazing days of my school life, credit goes to him. The one who I crazily called a friend in secret without his permission, the one who is most mysterious then the ending world, to guess the least thing about that person is harder then math’s board paper and yet I was always interested to know more and got into trouble . I remember how much a disaster it was the first time we came across each other. But today I remember him as a beautiful story from my early teenage years .I certainly do remember all the fun we had troubling each other. To go by looks  he looked like the best example for misfit, very rude sometimes , harsh with words, “I don’t give a damn to anyone “ attitude. However occasionally and secretly he was also one of the sweetest person I came across.

“The morning rain clouds up my window
And I can't see at all
And even if I could it'll all be gray
Put your picture on my wall
It reminds me, that it's not so bad
It's not so bad”

In the last page of my diary he wrote these words, after a little while  I realized that this was a stanza from one of his patron singer’s song ,I didn’t know what it meant , why he wrote those was a mystery too but I assumed he knew I was sad for some reasons ,so he did this sweet act. Well I instantly felt a relief for unknown reasons, though I forgot to say thank you ,I knew he would know I was thankful. All this was beautiful enough to stay in my memories for ages enough to be forgotten, and this I only understood after one year from the last day of school. I never got the chance to say bye , I never even got a chance to see him the last day, I only saw him from a far , and unfortunately that was the last. Whenever I crossed by the roads I always wished to see him ,somewhere somehow accidentally , I wished I could see him once and when ever my wish turned to be only a fantasy a tear would depart from my eyes . I occasionally texted him on a social networking site ,the only reply I would get was a blue thumbs up symbol , initially I was very sad , yet I would text again after a while only to see that thumbs up symbol, it became a habit  and then with time I stopped troubling him. I remember when we were in school he used to say “ we are not friends, we are not class mates, we are not enemies , we are nothing” if some day in time I could ever come across him again I would love to tell him “ we are nor friends because we are not that close, we are not classmates for sure and we are not enemies because we never fought for serious reasons, but at least we are not strangers” .He is like that sudden asteroid which when in sky looks beautiful , when falls to ground causes destruction and yet stays in the pages of history until the end. My time as much as I remember in his presence thought me immense number of lessons, each one as important as any other , in strangely beautiful ways these lessons made my days more beautiful . But my most favorite is the lesson that thought me that ,everyone everything are not rightly cut to fit in the brackets of life and yet these imperfect pieces give us a chance to make our life more beautiful than our dreams .They fill the hollows of hearts and mends the most delicate bridges of life, unknowingly and unintentionally. Since my last day at school I have never seen him again , and I know for a fact I will never be able to see him and yet I still wish to , because I have to tell him both “goodbye” and “thank you”.

Amulya…

Note:dedicated to the strangely beautiful bonds and friends who don't fit into the right brackets but give me a reason to smile at the end of the day.

Pole start

I have always had a habit, the habit to see the moon from the balcony of my room. It wasn’t my habit since the start, I developed to do so after we fell apart .I know it sounds foolish and silly, but who cares any ways .I do this because even I need a reason to come back home before .Five years have passed since I saw him last .The last time I saw him ,the night was in it’s best color and the moon was in full shape, it was the most beautiful night I even lived through and I guess was the last of its kind too. The crimson that faded from the corners and the blue of entering darkness I still don’t forget the sky that was shaded with a part of day and a part of night and where the day and night were divided ,started a road that ended everything from then. The streets were dimly lit with lights on both the sides,the markets had their usual noises and the children had the same old choices ,my eyes looked at this road everyday,but that day they found something that was not so usual.between all those familiar strangers I could see someone I recognized without seeing the face .In between the start and end of the roods standing still, there was a truck with loaded goods ,by its side was a boy who looked too familiar .after thinking just for a moment I knew who he was,but now the question changed from"who is he?"to"why is he there?" and" where is he going?"i knew not where he was heading ,I knew not where he is leaving to, but I sure know it was him and then I could see he was leaving.From where I was standing I bet he could not see and recognize me, and yet as if he could hear my heart from so far he turned to look at me.I wasn’t at the age of having a phone in hand nor was I gutsy enough to have his number even if I managed to get a phone at that time.From a distance we could only see each other and hope that the one afar can understand and so helplessly we stood at a distance that could only show us difference between .Quite a few minutes after and few seconds before departure,sitting behind on his fathers bike he waved a hand and uttered goodbye nothing more happened that night ,I guess there was nothing left to happen at least but the next day he wasn’t at school .I did not wonder why, after all the only truth about himself that he did not hide from us was his shifting life, but then I realized that the only thing I wished was, that he recognized and remembers the person he waved good bye. Back home when I came my feet took me to the balcony directly ,I didn’t know by then what my eyes wished to see,but soon I understood when my heart beated fast listing to a horn sound tired of the racing heart when I lifted my head to see the sky, I saw that ,The night sky was full of stars but no moon.Since then every night I hopefully wait to see the night after the night which has no moon, because I hope to see a smiling face that waves me a hi from the same place someday when the moon in the sky is back in its place.The balcony I stand didn’t change ,the roads that lead to the ends didn’t change but the sky that I look at everyday changes , the position of each star changes , their distances from me change too.But the story of hope doesn't end there.Yesterday I got an unknown call right when i was rushing to get something from office,usually I don’t take such calls but somehow I picked up,I was in a hurry I guess so I said"hello" to the one on the other side ,and a voice replied ”I am back so I wanted to say hi” I uttered no more ,I ran upstairs ,rushed into the house and stood at the same spot in the balcony  ,” now say hi”and  he cut the call ,soon after a hand at exactly same spot raised high enough to tough the sky ,and then he smiled .After seeing each other from the same distance for a while he messaged me “look at the sky” that’s when I realized that the changing sky everyday had one thing that never changed ,the pole star, and then was an other message from him ,"thanks for guiding me back".

Life could't be more Beautiful

I got down from the car and picked up my handbag from the seat, shut the door in a hurry and waved my hand to the driver kaka and said "kaka, good night, tomorrow morning at 5 am pick me up ", saying this I turned back and walked towards my house. I looked at the wristwatch and saw that it was 7:30 pm already which meant that I only had thirty minutes to make the pudding so I could make him happy. I unlocked the door and rushed in, leaving my bag on the sofa in the living room. I quickly plucked up my hair and rushed into the kitchen and started making the pudding. when I just finished making the dinner the doorbell rang, I went to the door made myself presentable and unbolted the door, where he was waiting for me . He stood there with a bag on his shoulders and a smile on his tired face, his smile, as usual, was the best of its kind on earth, it hid all the pain with just a little curve. He came in, put his bag at the study table in our bedroom while I was busy setting the table for dinner. He went to take a shower; I quickly hid the pudding in the fridge and ran to the living room to set up the sofa. He softly walked up to the table and searched for his pudding but he didn't find it, he must have thought that I forget to make it, so he sat down at the table smiling at the plate as if he was consoling the plate that it could not be able to serve pudding on it.I acted as if I forgot about it and served dinner, sat down to eat usually .We completed eating, I picked up the plates for cleaning and he headed towards our bedroom and started the tape recorder of instrumental music like every day .I silently entered the room with the pudding, he was standing in the balcony talking something to himself and staring at the moon. I went quickly from behind and spoke softly" so are you complaining about me?", with a smile, he turned back and answered me that he was just thinking about how much he missed the moon all the days, but then he realized the pudding in my hands and ran up to me like a kid, pulled it from my hands and said in a cute voice "  I thought it skipped your mind" and I walked up to him swiftly, leaned over  and said with a smoky tone" how could I dare?".I headed to the bed and sat down to read a book like usual. He walked up to me, put the bowl on the bedside table and climbed up the bed and hung his head softly into my lap .He looked like a white snow puppy. He slowly started playing with my hand like a baby but I gave no notice. He childishly pulled off the book from my hands and said: " you don't love me any more right?" I softly patted his head and said " oh so is that what you think?" he saw straight into my eyes and that look explained me lot more then what his words could ever say. Shying away I got up from the bed softly sliding his head off my lap and went out of the room silently, he followed me into the study room where he peeped in while I was searching for a book. he suddenly pulled me to the wooden wall of the study room, put me along and leaned in very closely .I moved my head to a side and smiled after a while and said "let me go" as I said so he sang " if I let you go I would never know what my life would be only you close to me, Will I ever see you smiling back at me oh ya aaa, how could I know if I let you go" it was a stanza from my favorite song and in his voice, it sounded even more beautiful .we were so close that the moonlight through the window of the study room could show only one shadow for both of us .He was looking at me like I was a doll, then took me into his arms completely , carried me up to the bed . I naughtily rolled on the bed and throw a pillow at him. He smiled and pulled me close at once, landed a kiss on my forehead and said "you naughty girl, how can you be so lucky that you got me as your man?" and I replied him in a childish tone again " as far as I remember you were the one who chased  behind me" he made himself comfortable on bad and pulled me even more close and said in a calm way "because I love you, " I could say nothing but surely my eyes could explain my emotions that my words could not . That minute I just knew that my life could never be more beautiful.

 Amulya....


NOTE:DEDICATED TO THE PUREST LOVE WOMEN DESIRE....

Beautiful questions

" I " that's just what I was. I was all about myself, all that matters to me was me and my dreams. My work, ambitions ,my likes ,my dislikes, my choices, my priorities  and my people, people that I considered who belong to me, people who promised me to stay by my side and some stories I built with them, this is all about me .Correction that's all I was , because today I am not anything that I mentioned earlier. Wondering what changed me?"He" changed me ,or maybe  I should say that I changed for him, and since then I never hoped for anything more. After the loss of my dream ,with a blow  with it broke a lot of thing which till then were very precious to me, I still never thought of giving up so I choose to earn my dream once again and hence I went there ,to the place that thought me the true meaning of life ,love and the power of innocence.

 That was a fine winter morning according to my memory of it, somewhere in July I guess and the place I went? Let me be frank I don't remember, maybe because that's not important enough then. I was on the third floor of an isolated building in a school yet divided from its atmosphere ,that I assume was just built by then, I entered the class with about 60 students who were meant to be my sub-juniors ,and surprisingly my eyes stopped at only one of them. Right next to the window wearing a blue and white uniform which did not belong to that place ,he was sitting like about a 15 feet away from where I was standing. I don't know even today what happened to me that day ,I am still trying to figure out on it, but I could tell you one thing that it was magical. Everything and everyone else in the room were on mute mode to my heart and my eyes were still stuck at him while he was still unaware of my presence .He was so lost in the world outside the window that he didn't realize anything around, not even his lunch box being stolen. He was staring out as if the only wish he had in life was to reach out and grab hold the sun in his bare palms. While he was busy weaving dreams in day light ,his innocent looks were interrupted by the winds that were trying to dry all the area that were earlier spooked wet by the monsoon rains and in the same attempt they injected themselves into the room probably to dry his eyes .
The gust of wind blew away the dew like  drops hanging to his long eye lashes and this disturbed his eyes , forcing him to turn his head ,and he turned to look at me as if he had heard my heart beat and that moment my world stopped ,as if I was hypothesized ,I couldn't feel the world around me anymore ,or maybe I just ignored it because the world made no sense to me anymore . Today I am few years away from those moments and yet like it just happened I can still see those happen right before my eyes a hundred times every day, just like in films my mind shows me glimpses of that day in slow motion .I miss him a lot ,I miss all those moments but like they say love makes people helpless and so it did .I don't have any complains anymore ,not on life ,not on him ,not on love and not on hope. Today  I have only questions , questions which are so beautiful I don't want to disturb them by answering, questions that themselves answer every doubt in my heart .Doubts that erased a" I " from every sentence and tough me to use " us" .I don't know where he is today ,I don't know why I was there then ,but I know one thing ,what we had between us was beautiful .those days when I would wake up to see the sun only because I wanted to see his innocent eyes again and hear his childish voice that I forgot was once mine too. Days when I apologized to a mistake I never did only so I could talk to him again. Days when I had no shame in telling people that I felt something beyond friends for someone a few years younger to me, days when I wasn’t scared to express feelings ,and days when I did not wait for the answer .days which explained me that sometimes what we feel can’t be denied only because it is practically impossible. I remember him asking me once" what is love at first sight" and somehow I wanted to tell him that he could search for the answer in my eyes and if he could see himself then he knows the answer .I don't wish for anything today but just a moment more with him ,but not for love sake but for life sake .I don't know why my story sounds like failure to people. I believe that the moment I started to love him I got success . Because if putting someone before your self is love ,then I did it on the first day and I still do. Some called my story “unanswered questions" maybe they are right because these questions don't need answers. When we were together we had no time to answer these questions ,now that we are not we don't need the answers. These beautiful unanswered questions complete the most complex answers of my life .I have nothing to say any more except that I loved us and I still do.and we shall always meet in those beautiful questions.

Amulya…

THE UN-NAMED SILENCE

Far into my memories and deep into my secrets whenever someone dug, surprisingly the answer to their every question was just one word .A word that belongs to a time when I had lesser memories to remember and just few secrets to hide ,or more precisely when I needed no words to express emotions of any kind and yet an accurate guess was made about my silence .I do not remember the factual detail of where ,when ,how and why and yet I remember the silence that spoke and the words that weren’t uttered, those incomplete words that weren’t short to express what we wanted to spell. In one word he spoke what he wished to and I heard exactly what he wanted me to hear and yet the silence didn’t break .living as near as possible we were yet to cross the distances that divided us and designated us with titles ‘destination’ and ‘dream’ to each other .I don’t remember clearly and yet I try to do so everyday so I can find a reason to look back at words that were meant for me yet couldn’t be approached the extended dots at the end of sentences that complimented. The journey that started from “I have nothing to say” to “I know you understand”. The journey of silence that was symbol to null, to the evolution of too many words to express silence. The strangest thing about this strange journey is that it began with a word.

People of the world around have spoke so much to me in years ,yet failed to express the beauty that was once felt in silence .years enough to forget details have passed and details that are more important have been accumulating and yet those words that incompletely expressed everything that needs to be expressed whisper in my dreams making me hate reality even todate. Reality is boring to speak of ,I prefer talking about my dream because if someone in time realizes it’s all true ,I can deny with silence. Every time I enter my home ,tired of being good at what I do and close my eyes ,I see a face that smiles at me . Making me travel through the time back then a voice whispers to my heart to stop beating for a while and then I loose myself to silence and sleep off all my worries. And then my closed eyes start to see the blur black and white ,a face smiles at me ,holds my hand and leads my way out to where the spectrum of colors don’t end ,to where the skies hum the beat of my heart .I find myself sitting on a blue bench at the end of a classroom that somehow resembles the one that was once my own, on the bench is carved a name imperfectly written probably by something sharp ,the letters weave a name that once was a synonym of me myself. Involuntarily my fingers rub off the dust on it and my lips curl in smile that seems no familiar anymore and yet feels good. In the benches before me were all those faces that I wish to see another time before my time ends on this planet . laughing , giggling ,whispering ,gossiping ,fighting and living they all just feel so alive and my vision seems to be blessed to see living people again. Very close to my heart beats another heart which beats in a tune that once I composed for my heart to hum. with two ponies in a frock of dark blue underneath which was stripe shirt of blue lines on white ,scribbling a few lines of beautiful letters that express untold secrets in comparison to useless things, she sat exactly where I was sitting ,perhaps to provide a body to my non existing presence she was created by my brain, but something made me feel like maybe she was just me as someone I forgot to be. It took me a while after seeing her scared to write a name on the paper before ,that she was me from back then when I feared to live and was scared to die as well.I nervously walked out of the class progressing towards the ground that extended wide arms to once who had the guts to bleed before crying and claiming dreams I walked in a doubt of being accepted. It took me just fifteen minutes and one wound to return back to rest. Beside the shoes left behind by people who thought they were unfit to be on ground ,I  sat in silence unified by uselessness with the shoes. Humming to myself in a voice that only I was aware off by then I sat there sketching a picture I wished I was a part of too. Before I could realize I sensed a presence of someone beside other than those shoes and stinking socks ,someone who was interested enough to extend a hand to say “hi”. I raised my eyes to see the guy in wrong uniform .He was smiling at me like smiling is all he knows to do. Nervously saying hi ,I moved a little ,he must have mistaken that for making place for him ,so he sat down close, and said “scared? I know you must be ,it’s normal to be so, don’t worry you will be fine just remember in this place there is only one rule ,imperfection”. He waved a bye ,got up and ran fast towards the class room ,on the way he fell down but to my surprise he laughed louder than the one who teased him for falling, and then I smiled too. The calendar changed ,flipping not just pages but years, people around me walked in fast forward, by body did the same yet not my soul .and then again it all stopped at a day, when the walls were decorated with different colors then the once I witnessed before . I was in a big hall filled with both happiness and sadness too , not a place in the school yet had the same people with the same atmosphere, It was the farewell to both school and its people. I was standing there wearing a green dress that looked just fine and simple on me ,but that was not the change ,the change was a presence of smile on my lips that I learnt through years . we sung together, danced too, wrote slams and discussed tales of being together . promised to be back and promises of missing each other were made .and then someone said in a low voice “no matter what these two will be together” those words were meant for me and him. And like usual our reaction was indifference. At the end we didn’t even say “bye” so someone around asked me a stupid question “won’t you say good bye?” and me smile was the answer .i guess people around never understood that for each other we are always around ,there is no place to words because we don’t need them, silence is enough. What the world needs to talk we understand without words. But just to clarify don’t misunderstand we are not what you might guess. We are what you should live to understand ,and love to respect. We are” just friends” where the silence after friends  means more than the word itself, because what the words forget to express is spelt in silence.

This dream I often live on a daily bases brakes when the need of reality arises. The reality that the bond still exists  without a name ,or  maybe its more appropriate to say the bond still exists without a need to be named. The nameless bond makes me happy sometimes for doing something which is beyond definitions but sometimes makes me tired too because with a name it could have been easy to answer some questions and to explain some answers.

Years apart from the day when we said no “good bye” we even stand today invisibly together ,and the best part is we don’t have a need to nor do we have a reason to, but we stand together because we choose to. To live a bond that has no name is hard and tiring and yet again to live a bond that needs no name is inspiring and hence we don’t talk much even today and but can still comprehend and decode a “hi” of each other’s tone to the silence that  hasn’t been spoken.

The few words that make “friends” short and the silence bigger are counted on fingers and hence the world points a finger at us. But guess what we never cared to explain our silence into words. Even today there is no name to “us” nor is there a word that we need to speak to explain anything between us, because un-named is not because of shame its because its sacred. But my only regret is that this silence I am in love with is not really existing anymore. Because today we are getting busy in words and forgot the language of silence.because today we are busy classifying the hiarchy of relationships and the un-named have no place in this.So to save this beauty of silence I wanna say some words “if there is nothing to talk in words ,send me a message in silence , trust me I can still read the incomplete sentences and understand the extended dots.”

Amulya……

NOTE:THIS STORY AND WRITE-UP IS DEDICATED TO MY SCHOOL AND MY FRIENDS AT SCHOOL....WHO BEYOND WORDS UNDERSTAND ME.